end of the road...

So this coming sunday at 7 pm will be my final worship service leading the epic ministry (invite your friends!). It is a weird mishmash of emotions. As with most of these services the overwhelming feeling is one of excitement. I am excited to be a part of a worship experience in which I connect with God and others in such a unique and authentic way. But as they say all good things must come to an end (or do they?) I must admit the last month has been hard still working at the church and doing my job in the midst of alot of junk. It's not just my junk but it is everyone's junk and everyone is dealing. But to tell you the truth I am glad at this point to be done, I must move forward and look forward. Hashing and rehashing the past doesn't really help I am finding, if anything sometimes it is just a picking away at a scab, no more picking for me. I need to heal, maybe a scar will be left, who knows, only way to know for sure is to let the thing heal. I am surrounded by many passionate people, people excited about God. I eventually would like to see what would happen if we harnessed all of that energy in one vision and direction to change WNY. Who know's the potential or possibility? But for now we have sunday, one last hurrah as a group, the end of the road if you will. See ya in 3 days!! (ps. read amos for a little precursor).

cliches, pressure and the help wanted ads.

This is a weird sort of pressure this not having a job thing. This working but not really working (like what I am doing right now) thing. I have to admit it is a feeling that I haven't really experiened in this capacity, I am trying to keep my emotions and feelings in check but I have to admit it isn't always easy. This past week I blogged, posted it for like 5 min. then went back and deleted the whole thing. After re-reading my entry I realized it wasn't pretty, it was true and it was real, but it wasn't pretty. Too much honesty and openess sometimes isn't the best bet and in this case the blog had been a portal into my heart and mind and the realness that came with that. It is not that I have to be someone that I am not it's just that from moment to moment I find myself being a different person. I am finding that is what this pressure thing is doing to me. I am high then I am low and like a rollercoaster it get's tiring. It is weird in my capacity in ministry I feel like at times I have the God cliche cards in my pocket ready to hand out at a moment's notice. Short words and sayings that supposedly ease peoples minds and hearts. Maybe I am jaded, maybe I'm cyncial, or maybe right now I'm just a little tired but I am not up to cliche's today. I don't want to hear about how something is going to "fall into my lap" and how God has the "perfect thing" for me, I don't want to hear about the "excitement" others feel about my future. Maybe I feel this way because I have handed these cards out too many times myself. I am not sure. This I do know, I have 5 weeks to find a job, and monster.com, and careerbuilder.com just get me mad now, in the beginning it was exciting looking for a job now it is exhausting. T minus 5 more weeks...

Tapered Jeans and old Playdoh

So tomorrow will be exactly 2 weeks since I got the news of my position elimination. It has been an interesting rollercoster of emotion. Wondering what the future is going to hold for me, for my family, career, ministry etc. The thing about stability is that it is... stable, you know what to expect tomorrow and the day after. It is comfortable, like a worn in pair of jeans, that baseball hat that now fits perfectly to your head, the pair of shoes that you no longer tie or untie but slip on and off without bending over. I think there is a fine line between being comfortable and being lazy, because change is unpredicatble and uncomfortable we tend to scurry away from it, digging in our heels at the thought of not knowing what tomorrow or the day after might bring, fearing failure. Do you know anyone that got caught in a period of time and stopped changing? They got comfortable with their jeans so they didn't buy any new ones but wear the same highwaisted tapered jeans that were in style in the 80's, wearing the same hair style, slipping on the same ugly and worn shoes, just because they can. They get set in their ways, in their jobs, in their perspectives on life and God, even their clothes... The scary thing is that no one really wants to be like this, everyone wants to be moldable, pliable, open minded, current. But over time something happens, we find something that fits pretty good, it could be a job, a pair of jeans, or even a way of doing... church... and the thing we never wanted to become we now are. I love playing with play-doh because you can do anything with it, roll it, twist it, flatten it, the possibilities are endless. Playdoh is truly only its self though when it is being molded constantly. If left alone for a period of time it takes on properties and characteristcs contrary to its very nature, it now has one shape, stuck with that shape with amazing rigidity. Have you ever played with playdoh that has been left alone for a while, out of its container, it gets hard and crusty and tends to crumble and break when you try to manipulate it. As time stretches on and I am able to get a perspective on what has happened to me and my job and I find myself thanking God for buying me a new can of playdoh and throwing out my old jeans..

Winds of Change

Artist: Kutless

Album: Hearts Of The Innocent

Title: Winds Of Change

Can you feel the pains in life?

Wrapped around you like they're chains

Restricting all your dreams

Do you wonder if there is a way?

A way to set you free

Set you free

So tell me all your dreams

Tell me all your fears and what you're longing for the most

It's not another way that'll end up the same for it's under my control

Do you feel the winds of change

Soon this weight will fall away

And take you to a place

Only found through these winds of change

A breeze that's new and free

New and free

I'll be the one who you can cry to

The one who will give you wings

I will give wings

Someday we'll sail away

Mounted up on wings like eagles

We will run and will not fade away