I think I heard God laughing at me...

I just walked outside under the stars to take the garbage out and I am pretty sure I heard God laughing at me. I am conflicted right now. You see it appears that God is starting to raise his voice in my life, giving me more and more direction, the problem is I am not sure that what I am hearing is what I wanted to hear. After leaving eastern hills a couple of months ago I told myself, "Jim, here is your chance for independence, get a real job, take care of your family,and unplug from church". I guess it sounded good in theory, it felt safe, fairly easy, and pretty ordered. The issue is that the jobs that I have sought out for whatever reason haven't panned out to this point, and that voice, the one that gives me anxiety is getting louder and louder. I believe God is telling me to start a church, no big deal, I have hinted at doing this in the future anyways. The problem lies in the fact that I think the future is now. God is moving me to action now. When God's voice started saying this I was like awwwww crappp! Not again. It seems the things I have said I would never do or be I end up doing and being. I have a hundred reasons why starting a church right now won't work. Why financially it's not a smart move, why the timing isn't right, and why it will be ineffective. I think it was at this point when God started laughing at me. In some sort of sadistic way I think He is enjoying the wrestling I am doing with myself and Him. I am a mess right now, a combo of Jonah, Moses, Peter and Gideon (all before the cool stuff happened to them). I trust but I don't, I think I have faith but I'm scared, I am excited but I am sick to my stomach, all at the same time, and God just sits back and laughs. He laughs because He controls it all, and I blog because I control none of it.

overtired

Im very tired right now, eyes are burning, but must blog. I went to a church service that I actually enjoyed this past weekend, it was a church out in Akron of all places. Not super young and hip but nice and authentic. I am planning on going again this next weekend, just wanted to see if anyone wanted to join us, maybe we could do lunch at my house following the 9 am service. Let me know if your in, you can just respond via blog if you want.

Ecclesiophobia

I currently have this fear of churches. I am really trying to shake it, to get over it, to be a big boy about it all. It is hard though, the further I dig into scripture and look at the life Jesus lived and asks us to live, the worse my phobia gets. It's not that the "church" (meaning institutional structures and organizations of the modern era commonly found in many towns and cities throughout North America) is bad or all that wrong, I guess it is more a question of effectiveness. This begs the question, how do we measure effectiveness? Amount of cash in the plate? Number of butts in the pews? Biggest youth group? Largest Christmas musical? Biggest steeple? Most radio shows? I think the way effectiveness needs to be measured is by lives and then communities that start looking like Christ. This means compassion, serving, self-sacrifice, peace, love and relevance. The church needs to find its way back into culture, amongst the people that need it most.

May 31st

May 31st was the day when my last paycheck from the church came in the mail and still no real job on the horizon. May 31st was my birthday. May 31st the last day my family has health insurance. May 31st the softball team that I play for won its first game in 2 years and after the game I had a chocolate milkshake. Who says that God doesn't have a sense of humor.